My besties reliving their childhoods!

These are kinda old but I miss my friends so I decided to finally upload these pictures of us at Rice Park, Enjoy :)

Missing them Mucho Mucho

It's been too long since I have blogged! I thought why not I would write on this beautiful day :) I am missing my friends right now. They are in Oahu and Im here on Maui. I wish I was there with them but I just can't afford it. This Christmas season has really ran me dry. My mother too so no borrowing from her lol. I had an offer to take a loan from my second mother but I just couldn't do it. She has to take care of her life as well and didn't need to be giving me money for Oahu. I really really miss my friends. It feels like they have moved away and have been gone for a really long time. hmm come back to me my loves! lol I hope they are having fun though. They deserve this vaction and break away from the drama that surrounds them on Maui. Well I hope they forgive me for not going and I can't wait to see them when they come back! January 5th! YAY! I love my besties! Have fun my loves!

A reminder

Don't misunderstand my blogs. I write my blogs to get down everything I'm feeling and to get it off my mind and chest. This does not mean I am not happy and loving life. Everyone has their moments and I just so happen to blog my negative ones so I can move past it and be happy. Just thought I would let you know so you don't think I am a depressed, suicidal, emotional wreck! :) LIVIN THE LIFE

Why?

Love me for me. Why not? What's so hard? I love you, I hate you. Here I am. Giving it all. Stick around. Stuck. It's so hard being me. You don't want the me I give you. You want something else. Second best. Can't meet your standards. Can't please you. What the fuck do I have to do? Why aren't you happy? What do you expect? I can't be everything you want! Why can't you just love me for me? I try nice? NO. I try sassy? NO. I try bitchy? NO. I try loving? NO. Nothing works for you. Why am I different to you? When it comes to me you can't seem to see me as someone. You push and pull and your ripping it at the seams. You say you want me around but them you push me away with so much force it gets harder to let you pull back. Not fair. Always second guessing me, my intentions, my love. You don't trust me. You don't WANT to. I feel too. Make up your mind. I will one day get tired of the tugging and assumptions. Why can't you just see I want you in my life. I wan't us to see as equals. As one. To give it whole heartily. No games. No foolish comments. Foolish accusations. None of the bull shit. Love me for me. Get over whatever it is. I don't want to hurt. I don't want you to go. Think BEFORE you speak. It will work. THINK about it.......sooner than later your going to have to stop pushing or your not going to have anything to pull back. Stop.

Life as it is

Stability. I thought I had arrived at a point in my life where I felt stable. Temporary. It went just as fast as it came. Disappeared. Lost in myself once again. How did this u-turn happen? I can never be sure. No, not financial stability, deeper to my roots than materialistic things. So sad to think I had been to a place I was comfortable just to have the rug pulled out under me. It hurts more this time. It is creeping in and warping me into what I despise. Constantly thinking of what could be, but seems to be out of my reach. Less fortunate. Fine. Does not mean it makes the intensity any less. Only the fictional exists to me. It's what I have. Easy come and easy go as they say. Thought I didn't feel this? I only let you in on the pieces that don't hurt to say out loud. I only tell you what I know you can handle. I don't want empathy. Pity me, none. You can't help me with this. Confidence; it's what comes easy for me to show. Doesn't mean it's always true. Have to portray myself to be someone of good stature and have stability but it exists around me instead of inside my very existence. Ha! Don't think I try? Everyday. No different it seems. Change aspects of my life? Done. Doesn't work. Forget it? Haunts me everywhere. No escape. What to do now? Live with it and hope I can make it through another hour. Don't get it? Then you don't get me. It hurts. Bad. Eats away at my self control and my very core. I need help. No one can. Alone.

!!Twilight Mania!!

Okaii so everyone who knows and loves me have already faced the reality that I am obsessed with a vampire....yes it is true. I have been in love for about 6 months and still going strong. HAHAHAHA Don't take that TOO literal. I am a huge fan of the saga Twilight and am totally obsessed with the main hunk Edward. He is unparalleled perfection with sexy, sharp teeth. Come on ladies, and my muffy's, be honest with yourself and tell me you wouldn't jump at an opportunity to be with perfection like Edward?! Ha! :YES BUDDHA I AM VERY ATTACHED! :) Well I was very upset Friday night about something very horrible that happened.....The movie came out and I was speechless. I went with my besties and (ask them lol) I was soooo excited that I couldn't breathe, concentrate, and I was never that happy for a long time. BUT as the movie progressed I became more and more disappointed. The director did a terrible job to be quite honest. It honestly felt like she was making a parody! I mean people were literally laughing and it was not suppose to be funny in the least. It looked totally fake, I mean I have seen better movies on Sci-Fi!, I could not feel any chemistry between Edward and Bella (you could tell it was acting) and it made Edward look like a total idiot! I was so furious I went home and cried. Yes sounds a little intense but I think it was disappointment that got the better side of me. I mean why would you need to change anything about Twilight? It really is a perfectly written book and every aspect of the book ties in together. One part of the movie that I could not understand was how she had a cell phone. Yes it is only a small change but in the book she only had e-mail to contact her mother and had the house phone. I mean I felt like not having a cell phone made the feeling of seclusion, loneliness, and discomfort like how Bella felt moving to Forks. It was symbolic to me and had a good message, made it all the more interesting. OMG one part of the movie almost had me in furious tears! When Edward took Bella to his secret meadow to show her what happens to him in the light it felt as if the director was mocking the book! It was made out to be a joke, like it was some skit on SNL!!! It was suppose to portray the intensity of Edward showing her what he is and the encounter of their almost first kiss. You are suppose to feel Edward's anger at himself for being a monster and the attachment that Bella feels for him, monster or not. BUT PEOPLE WERE LAUGHING!!! Yeah Yeah your probably saying that it's because it is a book and you can use your imagination but the movie went in the total opposite direction. It seriously looked like a low-income film. I hated it. I despise it. I will never see it again.

TO ALL WHO ONLY SEEN THE MOVIE: READ THE BOOK! YOU WILL NOT REGRET IT!

CrAzY BiTcH

You fucking dumb, two faced, raging, hormonal, USED, bitch! You THINK that you are worth anything?? You are fooling yourself into thinking that your existence matters. No one will miss your short, stubby ass if your gone! HA! You think your better than me because he slept with him and he calls to USE YOU EVEN MORE!? hahaha You make me fucking laugh; your a fucking GENEUS! You will never get the point will you!? Anyone ever told you that you are suck a fucking push over, you egotistical bitch! EVeryday telling me that you need to fuck, you need some cock, you just want to be satisfied, YOU ARE SO DISGUSTING! Everytime I think of you I can't help but feel just a little sad about how pathetic you are, it truly is a sad story....Trust me when I say he doens't want you....AT ALL. hahaha Its actuallly funny because he basically told you that he wasn't interested after the first night you guys met, let me quote just in case you forgot, hey what are friends for..."Nah your not really my type, your kind of too chubby for me."....hahahhahahaahahah Hurts doesn't it hahahaha well good bitch you deserved it. You only fucking thought of yourself and your fucking flappy, teryaki pussy being "satisfied!" I can't stand the sight of you, the very mention of your name disgusts me. They are not your friends, your so fucking blind. They ACCOMIDATE you. Thats all it is. Your there because they don't know how to tell you to get lost without making it seem like they just USED you, but let me fill you in on a little secret....THEY DID hahahaha. Gosh you really are one funny, contradicting bitch. Well sorry to say but you are insignificant and mean nothing. You are such a sad case. You really need help. Don't look for it here. I don't want to fucking hear another word of it. EVER. You'll always be the easy, brainless, whore (who doesn't satisfy), last resort, cunt that will never get it because she has absolutely no self preservation. Have a nice fucking life whore. AND have a nice fucking day.....Did I forget to metion......a few of them have STD's....oops didn't know huh. oh well at least you know now....hope you didn't do anything I wouldn't lol. Your so fuckiing funny!

P.S------>

GET IT!? GOT IT?! good :-) didn't know huh? See your just so fucking funny! ;-) (wink)

What If?

TO EVERYONE:Interpret which ever way you want :-) (devilish grin)

When do you know you are crossing the line? How do you know it's not meant or wanted to be crossed? What if I WANT to cross the line? What will the consequences be? Will I regret the decision or will the satisfaction of crossing that line overcome any other emotion? What if being a deviant was something that was absolutely necessary even if there are some that don't think so. What if the consequences were something I could live with but somebody else couldn't? How would I be looked at if I in fact DID cross that line? Would you think of me as evil? Sinister? Or maybe you would see me as a rebel? Maybe brave and strong minded? What if my very existence rested on it? Would you rethink your reaction if I told you that there is a fire blazing inside of my inner self that can not be put out without crossing the line that you tell me I can't? Will you be so kind and unselfish to give me what I desire if you know I can not BE without it?
If you know you will be alright and will be able to move past it will you ease the pain that is inside of me? How I wish I could ask these questions. How I wish I could cross that line. How I wish you would give it to me without a fight. How I wish it was mine. Don't get to comfortable. I didn't say I wasn't going to cross the line. I didn't say I wouldn't fight for it. I didn't say it will FOREVER be yours. Just for the time being until the burn becomes to unbearable. I will one day have my soul satisfied and I will BE. You will be angry of course but you will eventually understand and move on. I expect every bit of hatred you will have towards me. I know you will hate every cell in my body. I am prepared for such hatred. You may hang on to it for now. So cherish it and live in the moment. Keep the memories you have with it and appreciate everyday spent. It will eventually be mine. No doubt about that.

Just let it Go

Tormented Sibling

My sister is 12 and she is having such a hard time at school. I mean not really with her academics but with the "social" part of school. I was talking to her yesterday when we were washing clothes and she said that she does not have any friends. Of course I asked her to explain to me what she mean by not having any friends. THIS is what she told me---->I only have 4 friends but 2 of them said that they talk to me but that doesn't mean they are my friends, *****(I won't mention names) is my friend but she is on a different schedule for breaks than me, and my other friend is handicap and she can't talk and people would tease me and I can't hang with her anymore because thats what everyone thought was keeping her from making friends. This is just like a scene from a movie.--->It took me about 30 minutes to actually process this information before I realized that she is going through what is a social crisis. Not being in my sisters life for so long and her telling me this really hit a spot in me I didn't know I had for her....I cried for about 3 hours straight. I can't seem to understand how people can not like her because she is a sweet heart, funny, caring, and spontaneous. She deserves to have friends to hang out with and to be able to have a laugh with. She doesn't and it breaks my heart. She had told me that she walks alone during her recess break and she eats with those girls that "talk to her but aren't her friends." Can you put yourself in my shoes and just imagine your high spirited sister walking the school alone watching everyone having fun and living their lives? I can't. I don't want to but I don't know how to help her. Well the first thing that came to me was to ask her if she tried making new friends and the first thing that came out of her mouth was that everyone hates her. HATES HER! How can a 12 year old think that everyone hates her especially my sister who would be willing to help you in your time of need without a second thought??? Then I asked her if she had actually tried to go to people and make new friends but she told me-----this is hard for me so excuse me if it's not the best written blog----that they say No....they say NO. They tell her NO. I can't go to school with her and be friends with her or watch her and guide her through school. I don't know how to help her cause I couldn't even help myself when I had the same problem in my senior year of high school. I know how it feels to walk the hallways alone and you feel as if you rather just have your life be taken so you can feel lonely without everyone watching you be. I mean people would stare cause I would be alone and I knew what they were thinking...why doesn't she have friends? Something must be wrong with her, maybe she is a freak. Or maybe she is a loser. I know what those looks and the whispers can do to a person and I just can't let my sister go through it but I DON'T KNOW HOW TO HELP HER! Every time I even imagine her being alone I burst out in tears cause I love her and I want her to be able to have people around her and in her life. I can see the light in her and the absolute brilliance she shows on the weekends when she has family and she can just be herself and be liked and loved. That is the person people in her school are destroying and making her feel like she isn't good enough. I know she is hurting and the talk that we had yesterday was hard for her because she couldn't even look at me when we were conversing. Even if I tell her that she will find friends that she will have a deep connection with and that she deserves to have what everyone else has but it just might be in working progress....but if you were 12 would you understand this? Would you be like"Okay well then I will just wait and be happy for the time being." I don't think so and I know hearing it is not the same thing as seeing it. I want to just take her out of school and put her in home schooling but I'm not her mother and my mom seems to think that she will find friends. I know she will find friends but I also know how hard, emotionally, it is to have to deal with this situation. Maybe it is better if she can be home schooled for a while than maybe when it's time to go to high school than she can try regular school again. I just wish I knew what to do.

~Save the Drama for your Mama!~

Hmmmmm so foolish have I been. I have come to recognize why people surround themselves with drama. They are so bored and unimpressed with their own lives they like to draw the attention off of them by talking about the people who have everything to look forward to. By demineing those with happy lives, they feel as if they are some how apart of the life they so long for. You wanna know something really funny? I use to be them. Hating my life everyday but making it seem like I had everything I ever wanted and had a better life than those people I put down. I never realized until I took a step back and took a look at myself that I was just jealous of them and silently wished everyday to have what they had. You better believe that karma is real. I'm living it still. I have been so negative to so many people during my life and of course will still slip but have learned that instead of just pretending to have a life that I long for, I will make MY life what I want and make the damn best of what I have. I will not associate myself with un-necessary drama and will just cut out all that negativity away with no looking back. I need to remember a quote that a dear friend of mine uses all the time "Just because you are moving forward does not mean that are leaving anything behind." Very wise quote if I do say so myself! This is probably the hardest quote I could ever follow but I am trying to do my best. As long as I have my family, besties, and positive notions I will be fine with out all of you DRAMA LOVERZ! I don't need you and your bullshit! Thank you very much and have a nice fucking day! :)

Danity Kane no Longer

<----Aubrey and D woods say farewell---->
WoW so I was just watcing MTV (out of pure boredom) and found out that Aubrey Oday and D woods are no longer part of Danity Kane! Talk about total drama! I can't fill you in on all the details because I tuned in at the last 10 minutes, but I DO know that Aubrey and Dwoods are no longer in the group. The jist of it is Aubrey mouthed off to Puff and kicked her out, so D woods tried to defend her ending in being kicked out herself. i never thought it would happen...Danity Kane is now only a threesome! I don't think it will be at all the same without Aubrey (she was the sexy, crazy, weird in a good way girl of the group). I mean just look at the albulm cover!!! She is right in the middle smack dab in the front! Message to Puff: NOT A SMART MOVE AT ALL but good luck with that anyway. Hopefully we will see more of Aubrey and D woods inthe future...do I hear solo albulms? I will post another as soon as I found out the exact details of who, what, when, where, why, and how! :)

MORE OF OUR SECRET SPOT

DAVID'S 5 MINUTE ARTWORK! SO TALENTED YEAH!?
IT'S MY PRETTY PINK TOES! HAHA
WHERE WOULD I BE WITHOUT MY BESTIES?!! LOVE THEM BOTH
JUST STARE AT IT.......ITS PERFECT

OUR LITTLE TRIP TO THE SECRET SPOT OF THOUGHT

ITS SO BEAUTIFUL THEY WHERE CONNECTING WITH MOTHER EARTH :)
I LOVE THIS PICTURE...IT DESCRIBES BOTH OF THEM....MAGNIFICENT!
HMMM....DAVID AND HIS DARN ENERGY DRINKS :PMY DAIVD....LIKE I TOLD HIM..FUTURE ABERCROMBIE AND FITCH MODEL

True Chaos of Life

My past is a reoccurring nightmare! No matter how much I move on and FINALLY start to live life I feel as if the things (PEOPLE) I am trying to forget keep on insisting on re-entering my life! I am so confused and don't know how to go about this entire incident. To make a long story short(and it is a very very long story) there are people who were an absolute negative impact in my life that I got rid of so as to lead a positive and happy life. These people that I just so happened "got rid of" have been constantly appearing in my life. At functions I go to, where I eat, emailing me, trying to converse with me, asking me to forgive them, and trying to put themselves back into my life. I do not know how to go about this. I really do need help. I have already tried to just ignore or just brush it off but it's not like I can get very far (Maui is a fairly small place and it an ISLAND). I already know the first question that pops into your head; "Do I want to have these people back in my life?" I can't answer such a simple question. I see both the negative AND positive aspects of letting this happen. On the negative side they have hurt, ridiculed, demeaned, and destroyed a lot of me as an individual. I have moved past all that I have went through with them and I am starting to live a good life with people I love and care about. BUT I also think about the fact that by holding grudges and not forgiving people and giving second chances is a negative energy to have in my life. I am trying to lead a positive life and by not forgiving and not wanting to be friends again with this people does it make me a negative person? Is that holding on to negative energy? I have been working so hard at trying to make my life as drama free as possible and what will letting or not letting this people in my life do? How will this affect me? It is a lot to think about and it is giving me what the say a "heavy heart." I have tried to explain to these individuals that it might not be the best thing for us to be "friends" again but it just seems that the message is not getting across the way I would like it to be. There is also another thing that keeps bothering me....Is it some kind of fate or destiny that these people are constantly interrupting my life? That they are somehow always showing up? And if it is does that mean I should forgive them? Should be friends with them? If I do will that change who I have come to accept as "me" or is it something that has been reoccurring for a reason that will actually enhance what life has to offer and open my eyes even more? To be really quite honest I am terrified to accept these people back into my life. It has taken so much for me to move on and finally be a happy person. I have hurt myself and those who have loved me and been there for me from the beginning and now that I finally am back to a place where I love to be and am HAPPY these people decide to show up again. I DO NOT want to hurt the people I love and have seen and heard how I have hurt them and will not do these things to them again but if I become friends with those from my past will I not even notice that I would be doing these things to the ones I care for? I guess this is one of those road blocks in life. I would never EVER trade in the friends that I have kept through all this and have right now. I can't predict the future even though I wish I could. Hopefully I will soon figure and sort out all the craziness so for now I am going to enjoy life and enjoy it with the people I truly fucking LOVE :)

Sex, Love, and Vampires.....OH MY!

Me, Ande, and David have been watching this new series called True Blood on HBO. It is extremely interesting and a little odd. Vampires, mind readers, shape shifters, werewolves, and sex jam packed into one hour shows every Sunday :-) I know what in the world are we watching right? Sex and vampires.....just a little kinky but that is how we do! :P When I saw the first episode I thought it was one of those corny, fantasy vampire movies for crazed fans who have no lives (no offenese to those who are) but as I continued to watch I couldn't help but get slowly dragged into the drama and the amazing relistics of it all. Sookie (small town girl from Bon Temps) and Bill (173 year old vampire) have a roller coaster ride of passion and attraction, filled with temptation and "curses." Sookie's brother Jason, sex fiend of Bon Temps, has some kind of secret yearning to be a vampire and he is constantly compared (sexually mostly) to vampires. Tara Thorton is Sookie's best friend and she is a witty, smart mouthed, don't give a shit kind of girl who secretly fancies Jason but she ends up sleeping with Sam (boss of both Tara and Sookie) who in actually is in love with Sookie! What a twisted show huh? But be warned that this show is not for young viewers (the sex scenes can get pretty intense!) Hopefully you will watch and be sucked in like the rest of us. You will actually start dreaming of them too----trust me I have them almost every night! :-) Just a friendly reminder that a new episode premieres every Sunday on HBO at 6pm.

Stand Up for Life

When do you finally sit back, look at your life and ask "Was this what I have been doing with my life? Now what?" I recently had asked myself this very question; and you know what I can't answer it. I'm not sure where life is leading me right now or what I want to do with it but let me tell you it's scary when you reach this point in your life. Well for me personally it is. I try to reinforce the idea that as long as I surround myself with people who have good energy and stay happy with who and what is presently in my life than everything should be fine. :) Just thought I would share a little of what was in my head at the moment.

Dedicated to cookies and milk

I haven't blogged in a very long time and as I read my older blogs I have come to the conclusion that I am an entirely differnt person now! My views on life have grown and I am a much, much happier person. Thank goodness. :) I owe lots of grattitude towards my two best friends david and ande. They are the best people I have in my life and apprecitate and love them unconditionally. It's weird how when you blog with your emotions(my previous blogs) and you go back and read them, how much you can change(or remain the same) in such a short period of time. I marvel over this all the time. WELL for a quick update on what's going on in life right now. School has started and is more hectic than ever. But love it all the same. I have just been working, schooling, and hanging with my besties(david, ande, maryjane...love yooh girlie). I will try and blog more often, for you Ms. Milk and Cookies for dinner! Lovin Life

HMhMhMhM

My last couple of blogs have been kind of hostile. Sorry about that but I write along with my emotions so you can tell how I am feeling at the time I am writing my blog. Today I have been thinking about those people that I have been hating so much. I asked myself today "If they hurt you so much and cause you so much distress, why do you still hang with them?" I think I know the partial answer to that....I want them to like me so bad and I want to be apart of them. They are what I alwayz wanted to be. They are living the life that I had alwayz dreamed of living in high school. They were the people I were jealous of and wondered why I wasnt apart of what they were. They were the ones that made me cry and the ones that made me second guess myself. Hmmmm wondering why I wanted to be like them? Everyone wanted to be them. No matter what kind of drama or trouble they got into. You just wanted to be what they were. I am going through this internal struggle as I write this very blog. Tomorrow is Friday and I am already starting to think about what I am going to do with them. How crazy you must think I am. Well I am lol. I tell myself every week that this coming weekend I will not hang with them. I need a break from them and their life style but it is a drug. I can't stay away no matter how much I remind myself of the hurt and the tears. No matter how much I ask myself "What do they have anything to do with what I want for my future?" They are not going to be in my future. I know it but that still doesnt change the fact that I need them to be in my life. I want to be accepted and be one of the gang. I want them to call me and to ask me what I am doing this weekend. I want them to want to sleep with me...disgusting i know but it is something that I oddly crave. I just dont know why I put myself through this kind of turmoil. People would say that I like the drama or the attention...maybe they are right but all I know is that they are what I want. God if there was an automatic counter to check how many times I think about them I think I would have prolly set a record. This might sound kind of cliche but as soon as I wake up the first thing I think about is one of them. It depends on what is going on at the moment or who I have been thinking about a lot but I wake up and they are right there by my side. I wake up and sleep to them. This might be what some people would call normal...everyone does it but it is something that I don't want because I have went through this before. I had made him my everything and it landed me with completer heartbreak. He ruined my life and just as I am starting to get my life together they come in and I can slowly feel my life like it is a rerun. It scares me because I know that the pain is serial and I know that I cant handle another heartbreak like that. Hmmm rite? I know I tell myself that everyday.

DuMb GiRl

Yeah you dumb bitch you think that everyone likes you huh?! That everyone wants to be T's bf?! Well let me fill you in on a little bit of information....they want to get in your pants!!! They are trying to weasel their way into your mind so they can sleep with you.. They prolly have a bet on who can get you to screw them first! But you don't think about it like that do you? You just think that they are interested in you because you are a good person. What you don't think that all the other girls are good people? What you don't think they have more to offer? Well they do and whether I want to believe it or not they are. I think that you are making it as if you are the Utopia of what a girlfriend should be and you act as if you are so innocent. Your a slut! I hate you too! You are just like them. You don't understand that it hurts me and you think that I don't get jealous!?!?!?! I hate when you tell me that he called me and he called me...blah blah blah. I hate you. I have to deal with people like you all the time and I am sick of it. I am fucking sick of it! I don't know how you can stand there are tell me "I'm so fat" and "I need a boyfriend." I hate you. How can you tell me that your fat when I am triple your size?!?!?! I really frickin hate you. You think that I can stand you? Well I can't anymore. I am so sick and tired of you and how you think guys are lining up at the door for you. Fuck You. THEY WANT TO GET IN YOUR PANTS! Maybe one of them actually want to get to know you but I can bet you that almost 95% of them want to see who can sleep with you first. I feel sorry for you actually. You will never get that you are viewed like the special piece of meat that everyone wants to taste first. You think that is a good thing? It is not because once they get a taste of the meat that they have craved for they won't want much else with it. They don't care about you or what your goals are and does not want to hear what your problems are. They want to get in your pants! They just want to be apart of your life for the 45 minutes that it takes and they wont want anything else to do with you. I feel sorry for you. You will understand one day but not anytime soon because you are still a little girl and you are still in high school. You have yet to understand how life works and you have yet to understand that they just want to get in your pants. Dumb girl.

why?!?!?!

Being used is not a feeling that you want to have. I get this feeling every time I am around you people. It isn't just one of you it is ALL of you! You all act as if what you do or say is so cool and that it doesn't make a difference cause it doesn't affect YOUR life. I hate all of you. I thought that hanging with the cool crowd and being what people would call a normal young adult is all I needed well that is so wrong. Ever since I have been around you I have been drinking too much, smoking (which I am so against) and worrying about what you guys think of me so much. I stress about it everyday and I want to die because I am not what fits your image. You act as if we are friends and that you accept me but I know you don't. I KNOW.....you think that she is better than me because she is skinny and skanky but let me frickin tell you something she is far from being a good gf. Don't you guys understand that you cant all have her?! Don't you even care that she doesn't want y0u?! She has made it so clear that she is not interested in you but y0u still fight for her attention when there is someone who wants you more than anything but you rather just be with her because she is the prettier skinnier one?! Fuck you. I hate all of you. I'm sick and tired of hearing about her and how T this and T that. I don't care if you want to be with her but I don't want to hear it. Just don't tell me. You think that I don't know?!?!?! I know that the night you called me to "cruise" that you called her first. And that she didn't want to "cruise" with you so you called me like the last resort?! You don't think I know that when we have sex you think of her and wish that she was there instead of me?! Well you thought wrong because I know. I know that you are ashamed of me and that's why you keep telling me to keep it a secret and not to tell anyone. You say you just don't want people to know your business but I'm not stupid! I know you are ashamed to say that you did anything with me because I don't fit the image. Hmmm maybe you do think that I am a really good person and I make you laugh but I'm not a size 5 and that's what is stopping you from treating me like a human being. I hate you. You don't think I struggle with the feeling of being fucking useless and that no one wants me?! You think that when you have sex with me then tell me not to tell anyone I don't feel like a big piece of meat that was your last resort and that you only came to me because she didn't want you!!!??? God and what was I thinking actually going with you to your house?! God what was I thinking....that you actually wanted to be with me? That you wanted to get to know the real me? That you thought I was a cool person? NO....I was the only option you had so you went for it. I hate not only you but them too. Everyone thinks that life is about screwing the skinny high school girls but you know what grow the fuck up. One day you will realize that you were so wrong to treat me like that. God I hate all of you. When will you realize that life is so much more than sex? It is just like trying to tell your 7 year old sister that Santa doesn't exist.

JuSt A tHoUgHt

Ever think to yourself why you can never find a guy that wont hurt you? Don't worry so have I, your not alone. I have come to realize that there is not a guy out there that wont hurt you so you need to find one that will make the hurt worth the while. I still have yet to listen to what I preach. I have had guys hurt me from A to Z.....and yet I still don't know why they do....guess it will alwayz be a mystery.

i HaTe.....

(1) Fake bitches...if you don't know how to be real then why are you here?
(2) Being taken advantage of, you know who you are.
(3) Being led on. Just be real and don't forget that EVERYONE has feelings!
(4) When you say I love you, cause I know you don't mean it
(5) When you say we are just FTF...come on we are not in high school! GROW UP!
(6) Assumptions...don't assume you know anything because more than likely you don't know anything!
(7) When you think new people you hang out are your friends but in reality they will never really be your friends. They are just all apart of the master plan to make you hurt.
(8) Peer pressure....it does not only exist in high school!
(9) Maui!!!!!! I need to escape this tradegy!

(10) Being judged...everyone does it but some way harsher than others

(11) Having to lie to a friend because you know she wont have it any other way.

(12) Politics....it's just a cover up! We don't really know anything about what the government is doing!

(13) Thinking that everyone is staring at the fat girl eating a sandwich....just because I am bigger than you and eating something doesn't mean that I am ALWAYS eating! Big people need to eat too!

(14) HIM......he has ruined my life and I don't think he can be forgiven no matter what people say.

(15) HER....she helped him and I hate her for it.

(16)thinking that I am worthless.....you have made me feel the way I do. You don't deserve to be forgiven, EVER.

(17)Bills....but who doesn't rite?!

(18) Hearing that you like HER when secretly I am head over heels for you....didn't realize it? Well stop treating me like one of the guys and take a step back and look.

(20) Being the girl the "guys" come and talk to....we are friends yes but I do not want to hear about how much you like this girl and want to get in bed with this other girl. It just is not rite.

(21) How you think that your not hurting me when you say "I'm interested in you but I don't want to go out with you." that really means "I don't want to date you because I would be too embarrassed to be seen in public with you." yes it does hurt.

(22) How everyone thinks they know you when they are only seeing what your letting them see....they don't see the pain, humiliation, and the disappointment.

iM sTiLl NeW tO tHiS

Well this is actually my first time ever and I mean EVER writing a blog so forgive me if it is super lame. I don't really know why I have taken such a sudden interest in blogging but hey why the hell not! I use to always think that people who did things like blog were just "emo" or always had to be ranting and raving(I'm being honest here!) but I was far from the truth. Two of my closest bestest friends are blog fanatics and they are perfectly normal :) *cough *cough. Maybe there is more to blogging than I thought....lets wait and see.

CaSsIe ChIcK