HMhMhMhM

My last couple of blogs have been kind of hostile. Sorry about that but I write along with my emotions so you can tell how I am feeling at the time I am writing my blog. Today I have been thinking about those people that I have been hating so much. I asked myself today "If they hurt you so much and cause you so much distress, why do you still hang with them?" I think I know the partial answer to that....I want them to like me so bad and I want to be apart of them. They are what I alwayz wanted to be. They are living the life that I had alwayz dreamed of living in high school. They were the people I were jealous of and wondered why I wasnt apart of what they were. They were the ones that made me cry and the ones that made me second guess myself. Hmmmm wondering why I wanted to be like them? Everyone wanted to be them. No matter what kind of drama or trouble they got into. You just wanted to be what they were. I am going through this internal struggle as I write this very blog. Tomorrow is Friday and I am already starting to think about what I am going to do with them. How crazy you must think I am. Well I am lol. I tell myself every week that this coming weekend I will not hang with them. I need a break from them and their life style but it is a drug. I can't stay away no matter how much I remind myself of the hurt and the tears. No matter how much I ask myself "What do they have anything to do with what I want for my future?" They are not going to be in my future. I know it but that still doesnt change the fact that I need them to be in my life. I want to be accepted and be one of the gang. I want them to call me and to ask me what I am doing this weekend. I want them to want to sleep with me...disgusting i know but it is something that I oddly crave. I just dont know why I put myself through this kind of turmoil. People would say that I like the drama or the attention...maybe they are right but all I know is that they are what I want. God if there was an automatic counter to check how many times I think about them I think I would have prolly set a record. This might sound kind of cliche but as soon as I wake up the first thing I think about is one of them. It depends on what is going on at the moment or who I have been thinking about a lot but I wake up and they are right there by my side. I wake up and sleep to them. This might be what some people would call normal...everyone does it but it is something that I don't want because I have went through this before. I had made him my everything and it landed me with completer heartbreak. He ruined my life and just as I am starting to get my life together they come in and I can slowly feel my life like it is a rerun. It scares me because I know that the pain is serial and I know that I cant handle another heartbreak like that. Hmmm rite? I know I tell myself that everyday.

DuMb GiRl

Yeah you dumb bitch you think that everyone likes you huh?! That everyone wants to be T's bf?! Well let me fill you in on a little bit of information....they want to get in your pants!!! They are trying to weasel their way into your mind so they can sleep with you.. They prolly have a bet on who can get you to screw them first! But you don't think about it like that do you? You just think that they are interested in you because you are a good person. What you don't think that all the other girls are good people? What you don't think they have more to offer? Well they do and whether I want to believe it or not they are. I think that you are making it as if you are the Utopia of what a girlfriend should be and you act as if you are so innocent. Your a slut! I hate you too! You are just like them. You don't understand that it hurts me and you think that I don't get jealous!?!?!?! I hate when you tell me that he called me and he called me...blah blah blah. I hate you. I have to deal with people like you all the time and I am sick of it. I am fucking sick of it! I don't know how you can stand there are tell me "I'm so fat" and "I need a boyfriend." I hate you. How can you tell me that your fat when I am triple your size?!?!?! I really frickin hate you. You think that I can stand you? Well I can't anymore. I am so sick and tired of you and how you think guys are lining up at the door for you. Fuck You. THEY WANT TO GET IN YOUR PANTS! Maybe one of them actually want to get to know you but I can bet you that almost 95% of them want to see who can sleep with you first. I feel sorry for you actually. You will never get that you are viewed like the special piece of meat that everyone wants to taste first. You think that is a good thing? It is not because once they get a taste of the meat that they have craved for they won't want much else with it. They don't care about you or what your goals are and does not want to hear what your problems are. They want to get in your pants! They just want to be apart of your life for the 45 minutes that it takes and they wont want anything else to do with you. I feel sorry for you. You will understand one day but not anytime soon because you are still a little girl and you are still in high school. You have yet to understand how life works and you have yet to understand that they just want to get in your pants. Dumb girl.

why?!?!?!

Being used is not a feeling that you want to have. I get this feeling every time I am around you people. It isn't just one of you it is ALL of you! You all act as if what you do or say is so cool and that it doesn't make a difference cause it doesn't affect YOUR life. I hate all of you. I thought that hanging with the cool crowd and being what people would call a normal young adult is all I needed well that is so wrong. Ever since I have been around you I have been drinking too much, smoking (which I am so against) and worrying about what you guys think of me so much. I stress about it everyday and I want to die because I am not what fits your image. You act as if we are friends and that you accept me but I know you don't. I KNOW.....you think that she is better than me because she is skinny and skanky but let me frickin tell you something she is far from being a good gf. Don't you guys understand that you cant all have her?! Don't you even care that she doesn't want y0u?! She has made it so clear that she is not interested in you but y0u still fight for her attention when there is someone who wants you more than anything but you rather just be with her because she is the prettier skinnier one?! Fuck you. I hate all of you. I'm sick and tired of hearing about her and how T this and T that. I don't care if you want to be with her but I don't want to hear it. Just don't tell me. You think that I don't know?!?!?! I know that the night you called me to "cruise" that you called her first. And that she didn't want to "cruise" with you so you called me like the last resort?! You don't think I know that when we have sex you think of her and wish that she was there instead of me?! Well you thought wrong because I know. I know that you are ashamed of me and that's why you keep telling me to keep it a secret and not to tell anyone. You say you just don't want people to know your business but I'm not stupid! I know you are ashamed to say that you did anything with me because I don't fit the image. Hmmm maybe you do think that I am a really good person and I make you laugh but I'm not a size 5 and that's what is stopping you from treating me like a human being. I hate you. You don't think I struggle with the feeling of being fucking useless and that no one wants me?! You think that when you have sex with me then tell me not to tell anyone I don't feel like a big piece of meat that was your last resort and that you only came to me because she didn't want you!!!??? God and what was I thinking actually going with you to your house?! God what was I thinking....that you actually wanted to be with me? That you wanted to get to know the real me? That you thought I was a cool person? NO....I was the only option you had so you went for it. I hate not only you but them too. Everyone thinks that life is about screwing the skinny high school girls but you know what grow the fuck up. One day you will realize that you were so wrong to treat me like that. God I hate all of you. When will you realize that life is so much more than sex? It is just like trying to tell your 7 year old sister that Santa doesn't exist.

JuSt A tHoUgHt

Ever think to yourself why you can never find a guy that wont hurt you? Don't worry so have I, your not alone. I have come to realize that there is not a guy out there that wont hurt you so you need to find one that will make the hurt worth the while. I still have yet to listen to what I preach. I have had guys hurt me from A to Z.....and yet I still don't know why they do....guess it will alwayz be a mystery.

i HaTe.....

(1) Fake bitches...if you don't know how to be real then why are you here?
(2) Being taken advantage of, you know who you are.
(3) Being led on. Just be real and don't forget that EVERYONE has feelings!
(4) When you say I love you, cause I know you don't mean it
(5) When you say we are just FTF...come on we are not in high school! GROW UP!
(6) Assumptions...don't assume you know anything because more than likely you don't know anything!
(7) When you think new people you hang out are your friends but in reality they will never really be your friends. They are just all apart of the master plan to make you hurt.
(8) Peer pressure....it does not only exist in high school!
(9) Maui!!!!!! I need to escape this tradegy!

(10) Being judged...everyone does it but some way harsher than others

(11) Having to lie to a friend because you know she wont have it any other way.

(12) Politics....it's just a cover up! We don't really know anything about what the government is doing!

(13) Thinking that everyone is staring at the fat girl eating a sandwich....just because I am bigger than you and eating something doesn't mean that I am ALWAYS eating! Big people need to eat too!

(14) HIM......he has ruined my life and I don't think he can be forgiven no matter what people say.

(15) HER....she helped him and I hate her for it.

(16)thinking that I am worthless.....you have made me feel the way I do. You don't deserve to be forgiven, EVER.

(17)Bills....but who doesn't rite?!

(18) Hearing that you like HER when secretly I am head over heels for you....didn't realize it? Well stop treating me like one of the guys and take a step back and look.

(20) Being the girl the "guys" come and talk to....we are friends yes but I do not want to hear about how much you like this girl and want to get in bed with this other girl. It just is not rite.

(21) How you think that your not hurting me when you say "I'm interested in you but I don't want to go out with you." that really means "I don't want to date you because I would be too embarrassed to be seen in public with you." yes it does hurt.

(22) How everyone thinks they know you when they are only seeing what your letting them see....they don't see the pain, humiliation, and the disappointment.

iM sTiLl NeW tO tHiS

Well this is actually my first time ever and I mean EVER writing a blog so forgive me if it is super lame. I don't really know why I have taken such a sudden interest in blogging but hey why the hell not! I use to always think that people who did things like blog were just "emo" or always had to be ranting and raving(I'm being honest here!) but I was far from the truth. Two of my closest bestest friends are blog fanatics and they are perfectly normal :) *cough *cough. Maybe there is more to blogging than I thought....lets wait and see.

CaSsIe ChIcK