why?!?!?!

Being used is not a feeling that you want to have. I get this feeling every time I am around you people. It isn't just one of you it is ALL of you! You all act as if what you do or say is so cool and that it doesn't make a difference cause it doesn't affect YOUR life. I hate all of you. I thought that hanging with the cool crowd and being what people would call a normal young adult is all I needed well that is so wrong. Ever since I have been around you I have been drinking too much, smoking (which I am so against) and worrying about what you guys think of me so much. I stress about it everyday and I want to die because I am not what fits your image. You act as if we are friends and that you accept me but I know you don't. I KNOW.....you think that she is better than me because she is skinny and skanky but let me frickin tell you something she is far from being a good gf. Don't you guys understand that you cant all have her?! Don't you even care that she doesn't want y0u?! She has made it so clear that she is not interested in you but y0u still fight for her attention when there is someone who wants you more than anything but you rather just be with her because she is the prettier skinnier one?! Fuck you. I hate all of you. I'm sick and tired of hearing about her and how T this and T that. I don't care if you want to be with her but I don't want to hear it. Just don't tell me. You think that I don't know?!?!?! I know that the night you called me to "cruise" that you called her first. And that she didn't want to "cruise" with you so you called me like the last resort?! You don't think I know that when we have sex you think of her and wish that she was there instead of me?! Well you thought wrong because I know. I know that you are ashamed of me and that's why you keep telling me to keep it a secret and not to tell anyone. You say you just don't want people to know your business but I'm not stupid! I know you are ashamed to say that you did anything with me because I don't fit the image. Hmmm maybe you do think that I am a really good person and I make you laugh but I'm not a size 5 and that's what is stopping you from treating me like a human being. I hate you. You don't think I struggle with the feeling of being fucking useless and that no one wants me?! You think that when you have sex with me then tell me not to tell anyone I don't feel like a big piece of meat that was your last resort and that you only came to me because she didn't want you!!!??? God and what was I thinking actually going with you to your house?! God what was I thinking....that you actually wanted to be with me? That you wanted to get to know the real me? That you thought I was a cool person? NO....I was the only option you had so you went for it. I hate not only you but them too. Everyone thinks that life is about screwing the skinny high school girls but you know what grow the fuck up. One day you will realize that you were so wrong to treat me like that. God I hate all of you. When will you realize that life is so much more than sex? It is just like trying to tell your 7 year old sister that Santa doesn't exist.