HMhMhMhM

My last couple of blogs have been kind of hostile. Sorry about that but I write along with my emotions so you can tell how I am feeling at the time I am writing my blog. Today I have been thinking about those people that I have been hating so much. I asked myself today "If they hurt you so much and cause you so much distress, why do you still hang with them?" I think I know the partial answer to that....I want them to like me so bad and I want to be apart of them. They are what I alwayz wanted to be. They are living the life that I had alwayz dreamed of living in high school. They were the people I were jealous of and wondered why I wasnt apart of what they were. They were the ones that made me cry and the ones that made me second guess myself. Hmmmm wondering why I wanted to be like them? Everyone wanted to be them. No matter what kind of drama or trouble they got into. You just wanted to be what they were. I am going through this internal struggle as I write this very blog. Tomorrow is Friday and I am already starting to think about what I am going to do with them. How crazy you must think I am. Well I am lol. I tell myself every week that this coming weekend I will not hang with them. I need a break from them and their life style but it is a drug. I can't stay away no matter how much I remind myself of the hurt and the tears. No matter how much I ask myself "What do they have anything to do with what I want for my future?" They are not going to be in my future. I know it but that still doesnt change the fact that I need them to be in my life. I want to be accepted and be one of the gang. I want them to call me and to ask me what I am doing this weekend. I want them to want to sleep with me...disgusting i know but it is something that I oddly crave. I just dont know why I put myself through this kind of turmoil. People would say that I like the drama or the attention...maybe they are right but all I know is that they are what I want. God if there was an automatic counter to check how many times I think about them I think I would have prolly set a record. This might sound kind of cliche but as soon as I wake up the first thing I think about is one of them. It depends on what is going on at the moment or who I have been thinking about a lot but I wake up and they are right there by my side. I wake up and sleep to them. This might be what some people would call normal...everyone does it but it is something that I don't want because I have went through this before. I had made him my everything and it landed me with completer heartbreak. He ruined my life and just as I am starting to get my life together they come in and I can slowly feel my life like it is a rerun. It scares me because I know that the pain is serial and I know that I cant handle another heartbreak like that. Hmmm rite? I know I tell myself that everyday.