My past is a reoccurring nightmare! No matter how much I move on and FINALLY start to live life I feel as if the things (PEOPLE) I am trying to forget keep on insisting on re-entering my life! I am so confused and don't know how to go about this entire incident. To make a long story short(and it is a very very long story) there are people who were an absolute negative impact in my life that I got rid of so as to lead a positive and happy life. These people that I just so happened "got rid of" have been constantly appearing in my life. At functions I go to, where I eat, emailing me, trying to converse with me, asking me to forgive them, and trying to put themselves back into my life. I do not know how to go about this. I really do need help. I have already tried to just ignore or just brush it off but it's not like I can get very far (Maui is a fairly small place and it an ISLAND). I already know the first question that pops into your head; "Do I want to have these people back in my life?" I can't answer such a simple question. I see both the negative AND positive aspects of letting this happen. On the negative side they have hurt, ridiculed, demeaned, and destroyed a lot of me as an individual. I have moved past all that I have went through with them and I am starting to live a good life with people I love and care about. BUT I also think about the fact that by holding grudges and not forgiving people and giving second chances is a negative energy to have in my life. I am trying to lead a positive life and by not forgiving and not wanting to be friends again with this people does it make me a negative person? Is that holding on to negative energy? I have been working so hard at trying to make my life as drama free as possible and what will letting or not letting this people in my life do? How will this affect me? It is a lot to think about and it is giving me what the say a "heavy heart." I have tried to explain to these individuals that it might not be the best thing for us to be "friends" again but it just seems that the message is not getting across the way I would like it to be. There is also another thing that keeps bothering me....Is it some kind of fate or destiny that these people are constantly interrupting my life? That they are somehow always showing up? And if it is does that mean I should forgive them? Should be friends with them? If I do will that change who I have come to accept as "me" or is it something that has been reoccurring for a reason that will actually enhance what life has to offer and open my eyes even more? To be really quite honest I am terrified to accept these people back into my life. It has taken so much for me to move on and finally be a happy person. I have hurt myself and those who have loved me and been there for me from the beginning and now that I finally am back to a place where I love to be and am HAPPY these people decide to show up again. I DO NOT want to hurt the people I love and have seen and heard how I have hurt them and will not do these things to them again but if I become friends with those from my past will I not even notice that I would be doing these things to the ones I care for? I guess this is one of those road blocks in life. I would never EVER trade in the friends that I have kept through all this and have right now. I can't predict the future even though I wish I could. Hopefully I will soon figure and sort out all the craziness so for now I am going to enjoy life and enjoy it with the people I truly fucking LOVE :)
1 comment:
wow, what a powerful post!
My thought on it, you know I always have a thought..NO YOU ARE NOT BEING NEGATIVE...it is you feeling guilty! you have a hard time letting go of the past, thinking that you left someone behind. I know that you have tried to forget them, but girl sometimes you should stop trying and just focus on the positive things RIGHT NOW! (keyword: right now; at this time) its that whole hand/burner theory: how long are you going to keep burning your hands before you get it. On the outside, it SUCKS because you have shared many good times with them and at one point cared for them. People come and go in your life, think about it: if Mario was to say sorry Aleina come work for me...would you? or I know I have hurt you but that's in the past be my friend now..would you? I THINK YOU HAVE A GUILTY conscience because you just abruptly stopped everything...if they know how you feel, i bet you they will stop! if they no you have grown into a better person, a different person they will understand.Stop letting others control your emotions and START making your own decisions.
I also think about the fact that by holding grudges and not forgiving people and giving second chances is a negative energy to have in my life. I am trying to lead a positive life and by not forgiving and not wanting to be friends again with this people does it make me a negative person? No it does not, holding grudges is a different story...don't let your past repeat itself! Is that holding on to negative energy? you decipher what energy you put out
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